Oh dear god what a year… As far as hosting is concerned this was the biggest heap of ill-organised, self-indulgent shit you could possibly sit through, which is downright embarrassing for a country the size of Italy. Rather than choosing one or two experienced television hosts who would be able to run the show in either English or (probably more likely) French, Italian broadcaster RAI chose to have their two previous winners host the show. As far as Gigliola Cinquetti is concerned that wasn’t too much of a fuck-up – she’s charming and easy on the eyes, which goes some way towards not being able to speak a single word across the Italian border – but Toto Cutugno very clearly loved the sound of his own voice and seemed convinced that he was the most charming host who ever hosted.
After a lengthy starting sequence (full of credits for all and sundry involved in the production) the pair walk onto the stage (which incidentally looked like a badly-rendered copy of the Valley of the Kings or something – something that wouldn’t look out of place in Vegas) beaming like they’ve just won the lottery. Bonsoir! Good evening! they proclaim, and that’s all the foreign you’re getting, mateys, because the entire rest of the contest was held in Italian. Thankfully my Italian is good enough that I could follow pretty much all of it, but some of the contestants were obviously left baffled when Toto addressed them, because he appeared oblivious to the fact that people from other countries might, maybe, possibly not speak more Italian than ‘grazie’ and ‘ciao’. On top of that, not only does Toto sing his winning song from 1990 again (this time without visible backing singers – this is about me, bitches!), Gigliola also sings her winning song from way back in 1964. Oh, and Toto muscles his way into that one as well, turning it into a duet. I’m surprised that he was able to step out of the way of the actual contestants this year, but I’m also pretty sure that he did twice as many pre-song announcements than Gigliola did. This was the Toto Cutugno show, with Eurovision an unimportant secondary affair.
The postcards are just as much of a joke – each contestant singing a well-known Italian song, with a blurry part-picture of some Italian landmark in the background. Wherever they were able to shove Italy into the contest, they did. There was the same number of competing countries as in 1990, with one difference – the Netherlands skipped a year because the contest was on the 4th of May, which is our Remembrance day, and their place was filled by Malta, who returned after a sixteen (!) year absence. There was one nul points entry, and the contest famously ended in a draw and had to be decided by the tie-breaker rules, first implemented (and subsequently changed several times) after the fiasco of 1969.
1. Yugoslavia – Brazil – Bebi Doll – Contest ranking: 21st – My ranking: 21st
Baby Doll, Barbie Doll, same difference really – she certainly fucking looks like a barbie, and I hate everything about it. I have an unreasonable hatred for tights that match the colour of your outfit (unless it’s black of course – black is sophisticated and classy), so everything about the way she looks grates on me. The song itself could be a fluffy ditty that’s ultimately not unpleasant but forgettable. I say could be, because it’s very much spoilt by being overchoreographed, resulting in the singer being completely out of breath by the end of the song. Couple that with the fact that she couldn’t even sing properly at the start of the song, and you have a recipe for disaster. This is truly terrible.
2. Iceland – Nína – Stefán & Eyfi – Contest ranking: 15th – My ranking: 17th
Oh, here we go, the first Dull As Fuck ballad of the evening. I think my mum would have had conniptions at the colour combination of their jackets (purple and some sort of minty green), because as a tailor she always hammered into me how certain colours clashed and couldn’t be worn together. (Those rules don’t seem to apply anymore these days, but sometimes I really wish they still did, especially when the costumers of Strictly decide to put neon pink and neon orange in the same dress.) Anyway, as I said, it’s unfortunately DAF with some vague harmonies which they really ought to have explored further to make it more memorable.
3. Malta – Could It Be – Paul Giordimaina & Georgina – Contest ranking: 6th – My ranking: 18th
First entry in sixteen years and you bring us a DAF ballad? Bleh. Again, not enough harmony and too much boring shit.
4. Greece – Anixi – Sophia Vossou – Contest ranking: 13th – My ranking: 3rd
Ahh, now we’re talking! Swooping intro with trumpet and violins, brilliant singer, a proper build-up to an amazing, pumping chorus… And then the saxophone solo fuck-up happens. It’s fucking terrible, a true assault on the ears. As I said three years ago: Kudos to Sophia for continuing like a pro rather than beating [the saxophonist] to death with her microphone. It’s a really jarring error in an otherwise fantastic song, and I can’t help but wonder whether it’s one (the?) reason why it scored so low. Thirteenth? Really? I don’t care how bad the saxophone solo was, this song is awesome. On another day it might beat my second place song, because the two are that close together in my estimation.
5. Switzerland – Canzone Per Te – Sandra Simó – Contest ranking: 5th – My ranking: 12th
This gradually builds up and then quietens down again, and I suppose it’s decent in its genre (whatever that is – is this a ballad? It feels a little too fast to be one). I also suppose it’s well-sung, but it’s yet another song that I’m just not going to remember.
6. Austria – Venedig im Regen – Thomas Forstner – Contest ranking: 22nd – My ranking: 15th
So here is our nul pointer of the evening. Maybe people didn’t want to think of Venice being rainy, I don’t know. To me this is just another DAF ballad – no more or less dull than any other ballad, so fuck knows why no one liked this when they loved Malta. Also, mate, I love purple, I truly do, and that’s a great shade of purple you’re wearing, but the entire suit? It’s a bit in your face.
7. Luxembourg – Un Baiser Volé – Sarah Bray – Contest ranking: 14th – My ranking: 11th
Purple seems to be this year’s theme colour. Better than pink, I suppose. Unfortunately this is yet another DAF ballad. Decent voice, but so, so dull.
8. Sweden – Fångad av en Stormvind – Carola – Contest ranking: 1st – My ranking: 5th
This really reminds me of some famous eighties song, but I can’t put my finger on which one. It’s pretty good, to be fair – up-tempo and another pumping chorus, but compared to the next song (which ended up being the runner-up) this song is just so fucking ordinary that I really resent it being the winning song. Case in point: I listened to this yesterday, I thought it was good, but I couldn’t sing the chorus today if my life depended on it. It’s a good song, but I just don’t think it’s good enough.
9. France – C’Est le Dernier Qui A Parlé Qui A Raison – Amina – Contest ranking: 2nd – My ranking: 1st
This, people. This is a winning song. It’s unique and memorable. It seamlessly weaves Middle-Eastern motifs into a very French song, and Amina’s voice is perfection. The vocal warbling really lends it a mystical quality, and the overall result is simply gorgeous. I’m glad this song did as well as it did, but it really should have won. It proves that for all that Eurovision can be incredibly out there, when it comes to the winners it’s a case of ordinary prevails.
10. Turkey – Iki Dakika – Can Uğurluer, İzel Çeliköz & Reyhan Karaca – Contest ranking: 12th – My ranking: 4th
This is nice and bouncy, and it has a chorus that’s predictable in exactly the right way: so that you know precisely when to sing ‘iki dakika’. I really rather like this one.
11. Ireland – Could it Be That I’m in Love – Kim Jackson – Contest ranking: 10th – My ranking: 19th
After a string of nice songs, Ireland predictably drop me straight back into DAF ballad territory. This is a total ballad-by-numbers – backing singers going ‘wohohohoooohoo’, a flute flauting away… It’s dull, dull, dull.
12. Portugal – Lusitana Paixão – Dulce – Contest ranking: 8th – My ranking: 16th
A song about fado, but absolutely not a fado song (my Portuguese Reddit commenter educated me quite comprehensively about fado). To be fair, I didn’t need him to tell me that this isn’t fado, because it’s another DAF ballad with too much whoahaoaahing. This actually sounds like something that Whitney Houston might sing, and that’s not a compliment.
13. Denmark – Lige Der Hvor Hjertet Slår – Anders Frandsen – Contest ranking: 19th – My ranking: 13th
Oh Denmark, how you’re letting me down here by not continuing your string of upbeat (if forgettable) songs and instead joining the DAF ballad ranks… This is a piano one, with one of those ‘let’s speed up the chorus’ twists, but that does absolutely nothing to make it more appealing to me.
14. Norway – Mrs. Thompson – Just 4 Fun – Contest ranking: 17th – My ranking: 6th
A reasonably up-tempo ensemble effort with a vaguely catchy chorus. Better than all the DAF ballad dross, but really not by much.
15. Israel – Kan – Duo Datz – Contest ranking: 3rd – My ranking: 2nd
This is as Israeli as they come, and it’s buckets of fun. It’s funny how I didn’t like how much it builds up towards the end three years ago, because my comment now says ‘starts off great and only gets better’. I suppose listening to this regularly over the past three years has upped my appreciation of how well-structured this song is overall. It’s still a bit of a toss-up whether I really like this one better than Greece, but I’ll give them the edge because they didn’t have a saxophone solo fuck-up. Sorry Sophia.
16. Finland – Hullu Yö – Kaija – Contest ranking: 20th – My ranking: 7th
Of all the foreign languages to know a few words of, Toto picks Finnish?? Actually, I think he said that he’d lived there for a bit or something, and then he comes out with the most cliché thing you can possibly say in any language: I love you. (Minä rakastan sinua.)
Anyway, the song. Actually no, the dress: sorry love, but that fringe-on-the-tits look really isn’t good. Nice colour though. The song tries to be vaguely mysterious in the verses and sounds like an eighties pop song in the chorus. Another one that’s better than the DAF dross, but that doesn’t mean it’s good.
17. Germany – Dieser Traum Darf Niemals Sterben – Atlantis 2000 – Contest ranking: 18th – My ranking: 20th
Are they called Atlantis because this ought to sink without a trace? This is a DAF ballad in, um, sextuplicate? Whatever, there’s six of em. Oh, there’s the obligatory trumpet solo, which at least the trumpetist didn’t fuck up. The blonde with all the hair has a really piercing voice, and overall this is on the ‘please god make it stop’ side of dull.
18. Belgium – Geef Het Op – Clouseau – Contest ranking: 16th – My ranking: 8th
Clouseau were a decently popular band back then, but I never really liked them. Partly because their biggest hit was the ultra-dreary Daar Gaat Ze (I’m not even going to link to that one, find it yourself if you feel masochistic), partly because they’re just not my kind of music. I find them very MOR, and tonight the main singer has a really annoying tendency to string all his words together, especially in the over-repeated title. Three minutes of all those ‘geevuhdop’s really is too much. I’m not actually sure why I ranked it 8th, but I guess that even though it’s a little annoying, it’s not terrible and less boring than all the ballads.
19. Spain – Bailar Pegados – Sergio Dalma – Contest ranking: 4th – My ranking: 10th
A DAF ballad made slightly more appealing than the rest by a nice clarinet at the start. Unfortunately it veers too much into power-ballad territory after that, and it’s just bleh.
20. United Kingdom – A Message to Your Heart – Samantha Janus – Contest ranking: 10th – My ranking: 22nd
I’m not sure I can summarise this song any better than I did four years ago: The UK’s representative sings about people being poor, and in sympathy she does so in her underwear. At least I seriously hope that that thing wasn’t meant to be an actual dress. She can’t sing either, the whole song is out of key. Dreadful. This really is the cheesiest ‘oh isn’t it terrible that so many people are hungry’ song possible.
21. Cyprus – S.O.S. – Elena Patroklou – Contest ranking: 9th – My ranking: 9th
I’m seriously running out of ways to call a song dull. I mean, it’s not really any less dull than any of the other dull songs tonight, but this is song 21 and I’m getting tired of all the boring shit. Good voice, I’ll give her that, but this isn’t for me.
22. Italy – Comme è Ddoce ‘o Mare – Peppino di Capri – Contest ranking: 7th – My ranking: 14th
This started off fairly interesting, but then degenerated into a DAF waltz ballad. The start was okay, but I really don’t like the rest. I can’t even get excited about it being in Neapolitan.
So that’s it – all the songs done, and although the hosting was dire, three really good songs in one year is a great result! There was also a pretty decent interval act: a drag queen magician who’s impressively quick at costume changes. I really need to show this to my mate Dean, who is also a magician and who cross-dresses for his alter ego fortune teller act. He’d love this guy.
I’m singularly glad that for this second round of contests I’ve decided to just watch the songs (and the interval acts, if they’re worth it) and skip the voting, because I remember that being even more of a shitshow than the rest of the hosting was up to that point. Who could have thought that two presenters who don’t really speak English and/or French would have trouble dealing with the votes that are going to come in in one of those two languages? Thank fuck we’re back in Sweden next year – I may not have liked their presenter last time, but at least she knew what she was doing.
Here is Cookiefonster’s review of this year.
My list of winners:
- Luxembourg – 4 (1956, 1965, 1972, 1973)
- Belgium – 1 (1957)
- Italy – 2 (1958, 1964)
- United Kingdom – 4 (1959, 1961, 1967, 1981)
- Monaco – 1 (1960)
- Netherlands – 4 (1962, 1969, 1971, 1975)
- Denmark – 1 (1963)
- Norway – 2 (1966, 1985)
- Spain – 2 (1968, 1990)
- France – 4 (1970, 1976, 1977, 1991)
- Sweden – 1 (1974)
- Israel – 3 (1978, 1987, 1988)
- Germany – 2 (1979, 1982)
- Ireland – 1 (1980)
- Yugoslavia – 1 (1983)
- Turkey – 1 (1984)
- Cyprus – 1 (1986)
- Finland – 1 (1989)
Actual winners that I agree with: 16 out of 36.
Theft and Sorcery 
Oh dear, oh dear, what a crazy fucking year. Any time anyone does a project reviewing every Eurovision year, I always look forward to 1991 the most because everyone has a different opinion on it. Some will staunchly defend Carola’s victory, others (like you and me) will insist that Amina should have won instead, still others are fiercely supportive of Duo Datz but they don’t tend to be as insistent that Datz should’ve won.
The hosting was an absolute trainwreck and I’m still uncertain of how it managed to be this bad. I assume that the EBU took a hands-off approach on how to host Eurovision back then, and thus they put too much trust in RAI. I can only imagine how the audience and staff felt when Toto Cutugno assumed everyone in the world can speak Italian. This, THIS, is how foreigners feel when Americans think everyone in the entire world should be able to speak perfect English.
I actually like that the postcards show us Italian music because it sets them apart from those of other years. And because it reminds us that Italian music is a whole world in itself that Eurovision only scratches the surface of.
You’re going to have to get used to DAF ballads from Malta. They were absolutely obsessed with sending those in the 1990’s.
Ireland this year is hideous because the chord progressions are so fucking boring! I want the composers of that song to hand me the sheet music for it so I can show them how to make it less repetitive. But even then, I assume it wouldn’t make you a fan of that song.
Israel, on the other hand, sent a truly fun and colorful song full of detail that screams Israel as loudly as possible. As you said, it’s one of those songs one appreciates the more they listen to it. The lyrics are patriotic in a way that wouldn’t fly today (especially knowing current events), but that kind of thing you’ll inevitably discover when reviewing any media this old.
Speaking of Israeli’s lyrics, the Hebrew alphabet frustrates me because I want to be able to read Hebrew lyrics without looking at a romanization, but even after memorizing the alphabet I still have to guess where the vowels are and which pronunciation each consonant has, and often I’m left clueless. Here’s a video that goes in depth about how little sense the Hebrew alphabet makes.
Next up is Eurovision 1992, the most boring year of the 1990’s. The EBU must have been relieved that SVT would be in charge of that year, for exactly the same reason as you.
Side note: to me, the voting sequence of Eurovision 1991 is the DEFINITION of cringe comedy. I laughed so hard at all the voting mishaps, you don’t even know. I have to admire Frank Naef for staying calm through all these mishaps. If I was in his shoes, I would’ve told the hosts to step aside and handled the voting on my own.
I still have no idea whether Italy even got a rap on the knuckles for that shitshow. Isn’t it a rule that the show must be presented in either English or French?
There are definite advantages to not being able to understand what a song is about. Yes, I’ve heard that Kan is a bit iffy in light of current goings-on, but I’m just taking the song as what it is – three minutes of delight. Anyway, isn’t the Hebrew alphabet one of those that doesn’t write down the vowels? I don’t know, I’ve never been much interested in it for some reason.
Regarding Carola’s victory – I just despair at the winner always being one of the ‘safe’ and ‘ordinary’ songs. The only time we got a truly out there winner was 2006, and that was purely down to the televote. Amina had the more unique song, and that should have been rewarded.
I see what you’re saying about the postcards, but I don’t see the need to make them unique – to me they’re meant to introduce the artists and the country, not to glorify the music of the hosting country. They could have made the interval act a medley of famous Italian songs or something, not force each contestant into a ‘sing your favourite Italian song’ show off, which must have had occasions of ‘no, you can’t do that one, Belgium already picked that one to sing’.
Also, thanks for making me dread next week’s review session…
See, that’s the confusing thing about Hebrew. It doesn’t write vowels except when it does, and some letters can be both consonants or vowels. I’m sure that once you get used to it, you can take a good guess at how a word is pronounced, but it’s a beginner-unfriendly writing system as is.
I 100% agree about Carola’s victory. And I feel exactly the same about Sweden winning in 2023—Tattoo was just “this is how to write a winning Eurovision song”. It’s a good song for sure, but it feels like it was designed to become popular whereas Cha Cha Cha naturally became popular.
As for the postcards I never thought of it from the contestants’ perspective. Each of them must have been asked to sing an Italian song and I bet some were like “ooh, yes!! I love Italian music!!” while others were like “um, sure I guess? I don’t see the point”.
And as for whether RAI was punished for their hosting shitshow, my theory is that after this year the EBU decided to supervise the host broadcaster more closely to make sure they don’t fuck up, instead of leaving them to their own devices. Of course I don’t know this for a fact, but a lot of rule changes in Eurovision were made due to a controversy that the EBU didn’t want to repeat.