Eurovision 1988 – The year with all the DAF ballads

What does DAF stand for? Well, Dull As Fuck, of course. And while that moniker could apply to a lot of Eurovision years, the running order this year made it an especially hard slog to get through. The location is Baile Atha Cliadh, better known to us non-Irish speakers as Dublin, Ireland. I did Irish on Duolingo for a while, and the most frustrating thing about that language is the godawfully difficult spelling. There is some logic between spelling and pronunciation, but while it’s sort of possible, sometimes, to work out the pronunciation from the spelling, doing it the other way is impossible. Not so with Baile Atha Cliadh anyway – the way they say it sounds like Blaah Cleedh, though I’ve also heard people say Bala Cleedh. Irish is beautiful, but I want to say ‘fuck you’ to a language which for some reason refuses to pronounce the letter F. (Despite what you hear on English-language television, Sinn Fein is not pronounced shin fayn, it’s pronounced shinayn.)

Anyway, I digress. Ireland are good hosts, with confident, relaxed presenters who crack jokes that are actually funny (I especially liked the Viking joke near the start). The postcards are also good this year – they show the contestants in Ireland, doing Irish stuff, with music in the background that isn’t the same tune every time and which often is actual traditional Irish music. Why oh why can’t they bring songs like that more often, instead of those infernally dull ballads they’re stuck on? The stage looks like a set from TRON, which I suppose was hyper-modern and trendy back then.

There were 21 participating countries – the same ones as in 1987 minus Cyprus. There was one (deserved) nul pointer, and the final result was crazy close, with only one point separating first and second place. I also want to make a big disclaimer right at the start here: I did not like any of the songs this year. I’m happy enough to tolerate some of them, but the only reason I have a song listed as being my winner is because I have to pick one – that’s my rules. I’m treating this blog series as if I were a member of the jury that year, which means that I cannot say ‘well, they’re all shit, so nul points to the lot of them’.

1. Iceland – Sókrates – Beathoven – Contest ranking: 16th – My ranking: 17th

This is a pretty dreary oompah-pah-like affair with a lead singer who has a slightly mad look about him. It name-drops loads of people to circumvent the problem of it being in Icelandic, and overall it’s just pretty terrible. However, here is my trip to memory lane from when I first (well, aside from seeing it live in 1988) sat through this contest back in 2020:

One of the names they drop is Jón Páll Sigmarsson, the famous 80s Icelandic strongman. I used to watch the strongman competitions in those days, and boy, do I remember Jón Páll Sigmarsson. I couldn’t stand him because he was too much of a poser, but in hindsight that was a really silly accusation to make – they’re strongmen, they’re all posers. But those were the years of Siem Wulfse, who hailed from my hometown of Dordrecht, and Geoff Capes, who for many years was the main trainer for the local strongmen at the Ashbourne Highland Games, held about an hour away from where I currently live. He might still be the trainer for them if the games were still being held, but they stopped about three or four years ago, I think due to lack of money, which is a real shame because it was always a fun day out.

And you actually got a glimpse of Jón Páll Sigmarsson at the start of the contest – he was the guy carrying two of the contestants on his shoulders.

2. Sweden – Stad i Ljus – Tommy Körberg – Contest ranking: 12th – My ranking: 13th

Sweden must have thought ‘we’re in Ireland, so let’s do a traditional Irish ballad’. It’s got a dude with a trumpet tooting about, but otherwise it’s a standard DAF piece of drivel. (The count is one out of two.)

3. Finland – Nauravat Silmät Muistetaan – Boulevard – Contest ranking: 20th – My ranking: 12th

These guys are a bit shit, really. They try to harmonise in this super-bland pop song, but none of them can sing very well. They have a tiny bit of a dance routine, more mullets than the previous three contests combined, and they’re much more enthusiastic about their song than anyone else in the hall. It’s only better than Sweden because it’s not a ballad.

4. United Kingdom – Go – Scott Fitzgerald – Contest ranking: 2nd – My ranking: 5th

I remember Scott from If I Had Words (with Yvonne Keeley), where he uses a hideous way of singing which I don’t even know how to describe in English. Thankfully he doesn’t do that here – he’s a bit gravelly, but not excessively so. And as ballads go, this one actually isn’t unpleasant. I sort of like the melody in the minor key verses. Of course he then spoils that with a boring chorus, but it definitely could be a lot worse.

5. Turkey – Sufi (Hey Ya Hey) – MFÖ – Contest ranking: 15th – My ranking: 3rd

This is what Cookiefonster calls an ethno-bop (and here is his review of this year), and it’s nice enough to listen to. It’s got some harmonising, which is nice, but it just doesn’t go beyond vaguely pleasant.

6. Spain – La Chica Che Yo Quiero (Made in Spain) – La Década – Contest ranking: 11th – My ranking: 10th

The chorus of this song sounds like ‘made in a Spain’, as if there’s more than one Spain, and it gets pretty annoying. The ladies’ dresses are more eighties than shoulderpads, bat-wing sleeves and poodle perms, and it’s basically just another bland pop entry with an annoying chorus.

7. Netherlands – Shangri-La – Gerard Joling – Contest ranking: 9th – My ranking: 2nd

So for some reason this song actually reminds me of some old Dutch classics, like Stiekem Gedanst by Toontje Lager, or Laat Mij Maar Alleen by Klein Orkest. Both those songs are way better than this, but it’s not as bad as I remember it being. The stupid slow bit spoils it, because otherwise this would be a decent pumping eighties pop song. I’m sure I also remember him going way more into soprano territory, so it’s a pleasant surprise that he doesn’t. (We always used to call him Gerard Yodelling because he can sing very high when he wants to.) Overall this isn’t half bad, and I reckon it should have scored much better than 9th place.

8. Israel – Ben Adam – Yardena Arazi – Contest ranking: 7th – My ranking: 1st

Right from the start you know that this song is going to speed up later – it’s just got that sound to it, like some Hebrew sirtaki. I actually don’t mind that stuff, and I like the ethnic instrumentation here, but it just starts a little too slow for me to actually like this rather than tolerate it. It still ended up being the least shit song of the night, but the bar was pretty fucking low.

9. Switzerland – Ne Partez Pas Sans Moi – Céline Dion – Contest ranking: 1st – My ranking: 4th

Oh, here we go. Let me start by giving my previous commentary on this song:

Now, I must confess that I do not like Celine Dion. She is part of my triumvirate of most hated female singers, the other two being Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey, because they belong to the school of ‘let’s sing a song that mainly shows off my lung capacity’. Mariah Carey also has the added annoyance of going into dog-whistle territory, so she tops that list of three. You may scoff at my dislike, but I bet none of you are old enough to remember when Titanic first came out (second trip to memory lane), so you never had to sit through what felt like two and a half years of My Heart Will Go On topping the charts. (The only thing worse than that was the approximately two and a half years of I Will Always Love You topping the charts when Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves came out, hence my dislike of Whitney Houston.) Anyway, the song. I don’t like her outfit – it’s like they couldn’t decide whether to give her a suit or a dress, so they ended up giving her half of both. It’s hard for me to judge the song impartially, given my hatred for the singer, but I have to admit that while the verses are boring, the chorus is pretty rousing. I would almost go as far as to say that if it had to be between her and the UK, then I would also have chosen this song.

That was four years ago (ish), and I could only really remember the chorus, so I was fully expecting to have to pick this as my winner of the night, because I will still admit that the chorus is pretty rousing. But there are several big Buts throwing a spanner in the works here. I mean, when I originally said that I do not like Céline Dion, I was being uncharacteristically restrained, because I hate her everliving guts, and I mean that sincerely. I also still hate her suit/dress monstrosity, and her French sounds off to me. I don’t know if that’s just Quebec French, which I’ll admit I’ve never heard, but it just doesn’t sound right. Aside from that, as rousing as the chorus is, the verses are dreary as fuck, so all I can say is Yay, I don’t like this! She’s not my winner!

10. Ireland – Take Him Home – Jump the Gun – Contest ranking: 8th – My ranking: 19th

This starts off terrible – it’s messy, whatever it is, and when that messy shit finally finishes it’s a DAF piano ballad. (Count is two out of ten, and I’m being charitable to the UK here.)

11. Germany – Lied Für einen Freund – Maxi & Chris Garden – Contest ranking: 14th – My ranking: 11th

This has a nice piano riff, but other than that it’s DAF drivel. (Count is three out of eleven.)

12. Austria – Lisa Mona Lisa – Wilfried – Contest ranking: 21st – My ranking: 21st

If this guy is as accomplished as the presenter says he is, shouldn’t he be able to sing? This is fucking dreadful, and the backing singer can’t sing either. This isn’t just a DAF ballad, it’s a badly sung DAF ballad. (Count is four out of twelve.)

13. Denmark – Ka’ Du Se Hva’ Jeg Sa’ – Hot Eyes – Contest ranking: 3rd – My ranking: 8th

Oh it’s her with the gap-toothed smile and the annoying kid. The annoying kid thankfully isn’t there this time – instead she’s ‘I’m about to explode’ pregnant. They have crazy shenanigans going on on stage again, and while the song is fast, it’s too jazzy/honky-tonk for me to like it. I’m just vaguely annoyed by this, and I’m not even sure why.

14. Greece – Clown – Afroditi Fryda – Contest ranking: 17th – My ranking: 20th

Greece has spent more time on the shitty dance routine than the shitty song, which is a pseudo-dramatic thing with an incredibly annoying chorus that sounds like ‘clown, clown, evil clown, hahaha!’ like they’re a bunch of super-villains with a plan for world domination involving clowns. I pretty much hate this.

15. Norway – For Vår Jord – Karoline Krüger – Contest ranking: 5th – My ranking: 14th

Another piano ballad, woo. Probably not bad for its genre, but it just goes straight onto the DAF pile for me. (Five out of fifteen.)

16. Belgium – Laissez Briller le Soleil – Reynaert – Contest ranking: 18th – My ranking: 18th

Reynaert wears a horrible pleather suit and this is yet another DAF ballad, with added messy trumpety bits and random aaa-iii-aaa-ing. (Six out of sixteen.)

17. Luxembourg – Croire – Lara Fabian – Contest ranking: 4th – My ranking: 15th

Good voice, but it’s yet another DAF ballad, this one of the waltz variety. (Seven out of seventeen.)

18. Italy – Ti Scrivo – Luca Barbarossa – Contest ranking: 12th – My ranking: 6th

Not a DAF ballad – instead it’s a very middle of the road (MOR) pop song with excessive guitar showboating. And wow, did this actually have a fade-out ending? Live? That’s somehow even worse than doing it on the recorded version of a song.

19. France – Chanteur de Charme – Gérard Lenorman – Contest ranking: 10th – My ranking: 7th

This is just as MOR as Italy, but in French and with added vibrato.

20. Portugal – Voltarei – Dora – Contest ranking: 18th – My ranking: 16th

Another DAF ballad, this one of the power variety. (Eight out of twenty.)

21. Yugoslavia – Mangup – Srebrna Krila – Contest ranking: 6th – My ranking: 9th

And this finishes off the contest with a very MOR pop song with a shouty lead singer who sounds like she’s singing about man-boobs. Too shouty and trumpety for me.

Dear Jesus, nearly half of these fuckers were ballads, and they didn’t even have the decency to get them all over with in the first half. I sincerely wish I didn’t have to add anything to my list of winners this year, but that’s not how it works, dammit. If I could I’d pick the interval song as my favourite (Don’t Go by the Hothouse Flowers) because that’s actually good, but even that fucking spoils things by going on for at least three minutes more than it should have.

My list of ‘winners’:

• Luxembourg – 4 (1956, 1965, 1972, 1973)
• Belgium – 1 (1957)
• Italy – 2 (1958, 1964)
• United Kingdom – 4 (1959, 1961, 1967, 1981)
• Monaco – 1 (1960)
• Netherlands – 4 (1962, 1969, 1971, 1975)
• Denmark – 1 (1963)
• Norway – 2 (1966, 1985)
• Spain – 1 (1968)
• France – 3 (1970, 1976, 1977)
• Sweden – 1 (1974)
• Israel – 3 (1978, 1987, 1988)
• Germany – 2 (1979, 1982)
• Ireland – 1 (1980)
• Yugoslavia – 1 (1983)
• Turkey – 1 (1984)
• Cyprus – 1 (1986)

Actual winners that I agree with: 16 out of 33.