Eurovision 1998 – The last year with the orchestra

Subtitle: Return of the DAF Ballads: DAF Harder. I mean, we’ve had many years with lots of ballads, but after a relatively good year like 1997 it’s extra obvious (and that much more of a slog) when there are this many ballads to sit through. Anyway, the contest was held in Birmingham in the UK (following their win the previous year), which meant that Terry Wogan got to present the contest while he still enjoyed doing so. His co-presenter was Ulrika Jonsson, who made me a little seasick with her constant swaying. I was also not happy with the jazzy murder of the Te Deum at the start of the contest.

What I did like were the postcards, which showed snippets of historical UK life morphing into modern UK life, which then incorporated the upcoming country’s flag in some way. Some were really inventive, others were possibly borderline insulting (I’m not sure how I’d feel as a Spaniard if my flag was represented by a hotdog with ketchup and mustard).

We’re still stuck with the relegation system (average score over the last five contests), so there’s the usual swap-out of a number of countries. Out were Austria, Bosnia & Herzegovina, Denmark, Iceland and Russia. Back in were Belgium, Finland, Israel, Slovakia and Romania. There’s also a brand new debut in the form of the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, or FYR Macedonia for ease of typing. Yes, I know they’re called North Macedonia these days, but they weren’t yet at this point. The total was now 25 countries, and we do have a (very much deserved) nul pointer this year. This is also the first year (after last year’s trial) where virtually all points were decided via televote.

Disclaimer: there are no songs this year that I actually like. In fact, my top four are all very close together, mainly because I just can’t bring up any real enthusiasm for them, and as such my ranking is a little arbitrary this year.

1. Croatia – Neka Mi Ne Svane – Danijela – Contest ranking: 5th – My ranking: 15th

Just to prepare me for what’s to come, Croatia throw me straight into the ballad deep end with a very orchestrated effort. It culminates in Danijela dramatically throwing off her big velvet cloak as she soars to a choral finish, but I’m sure no one is surprised when I say that I just found the whole thing very dull. (DAF count: 1)

2. Greece – Mia Krifi Evaisthisia -Thalassa – Contest ranking: 20th – My ranking: 23rd

The singer’s dress looks like it got caught behind something and half of it ripped loose. It’s not a good look. Her singing is pretty shit and barely stays in tune, so the whole ballad-turning-into-guitar-pop thing doesn’t really work. This might have been half palatable if she could sing, but since she can’t, it isn’t.

3. France – Où Aller – Marie Line – Contest ranking: 24th – My ranking: 14th

This is a little bit soul, a little bit funk, and while it’s not really crap, I find the chorus very repetitive. Also, against all French tradition, Marie isn’t all that great a singer. The final nail in the coffin is the violins, which start getting on my tits near the end, so overall it’s a nope.

4. Spain – ¿Qué Voy a Hacer sin Ti? – Mikel Herzog – Contest ranking: 16th – My ranking: 24th

This is the blandest of the bland synthesizer ballads, and even with five background singers they’ve barely managed to get any harmony in there. Disappointingly dull, and his adult Harry Potter looks don’t change any of that. (DAF count: 2)

5. Switzerland – Lass Ihn – Gunvor – Contest ranking: 25th – My ranking: 16th

Wow, that’s a terrible, terrible dress. Is it see-through, or am I just seeing things? It’s basically some sort of tit-lifting nightie with added cameltoe, and it’s totally my Barbara Dex of the night. As for the song, the only nice thing about it is the violin, otherwise it’s just another ballad. I mean, of all the things they could pick, they thought the best choice was a shitty rip-off of a Siegel ballad? (DAF count: 3)

6. Slovakia – Modlitba – Katarina Hasprová – Contest ranking: 21st – My ranking: 7th

Katarina is yet another singer who can’t sing, which is a shame, because otherwise this is actually sort of nice. It sounds very similar to Seal’s Kiss From a Rose, and I could actually like this if the singing wasn’t so shit. Despite that it’s still the best song of the night so far.

7. Poland – To Takie Proste – Sixteen – Contest ranking: 17th – My ranking: 17th

Oh god, everything is just so goddamn bland tonight, even the non-ballads. Case in point – this is a ridiculously bland pop song with three seconds of nice violin-work to spice things up a bit. Dull!

8. Israel – Diva – Dana International – Contest ranking: 1st – My ranking: 2nd

Okay, before I discuss the song I have to address the fact that this is 26 years ago and here is a trans woman prominent on stage. Why the fuck are people still fucking bitching about trans women or trans men not being ‘real’ (wo)men? We’ve had several decades to get to terms with this! I’m so sick and fucking tired of people obsessing over what equipment people have in their underwear and which fucking toilet they should be using. Grow up, for fuck’s sake.

Anyway, the song. Every time I hear this I’m disappointed, because it’s not as good as I somehow remember it being. Okay, it’s a pumping anthem with a very, very catchy chorus, but I can’t get past the fact that Dana is distinctly off-key at times, and I actively hate that godawful bridge section, to the point that I just can’t make this my winner, even if it’s probably the one song of this contest that I could hum without having to think about it.

9. Germany – Guildo Hat Euch Lieb – Guildo Horn – Contest ranking: 7th – My ranking: 25th

Here we have the first indication that Europe as an entity goes mad for wacky stuff, because the televote cranked this up to seventh place. Cookiefonster absolutely loves this entry, but I just don’t get it. Guildo is a terrible singer in a terrible velour suit (okay, I suppose that does suit the song) who spends too much time prancing around, diving into the audience and climbing the scenery, which makes his singing even worse. I could forgive all that if the song was actually catchy or whatever, but it just isn’t. The only good thing in it is the cowbell section, so this is one occasion where I can truly say: needs more cowbell.

10. Malta – The One That I Love – Chiara – Contest ranking: 3rd – My ranking: 19th

Of course this came third, I mean, it’s a dull ballad sung in English. I know Chiara will return a few more times, and I will readily admit that she can fucking well sing, but she makes up for that in sheer dullness. I mean, there’s dull, and then there’s this. (DAF count: 4)

11. Hungary – A Holnap Már Nem Lesz Szomorú – Charlie – Contest ranking: 23rd – My ranking: 21st

Another ballad, this one gravel-voiced with a hammond organ and a harmonica. That’s just the distinguishing factors, not a sign that it’s any more interesting. (DAF count: 5)

12. Slovenia – Naj Bogovi Slišijo – Vili Resnik – Contest ranking: 18th – My ranking: 18th

Another gravel-voiced ballad. Better melody, so marginally more interesting than Hungary. (DAF count: 6)

13. Ireland – Is Always Over Now – Dawn Martin – Contest ranking: 9th – My ranking: 20th

Of course this is a ballad, this is Ireland after all. This really is Ballads: Ballad With a Vengeance. Or maybe Balladnado, or Ballad: Impossible, or the Ballad and the Furious. Whatever, I literally have nothing to say about this. (DAF count: 7)

14. Portugal – Se Eu Te Pudesse Abraçar – Alma Lusa – Contest ranking: 12th – My ranking: 5th

Ah, this is the entry that made me wonder the following in my Reddit review: Is it a Portuguese bagpipe? It must be, it only has one drone. Are there Portuguese versions of every single instrument? What’s next, a Portuguese piano, called a pianinho? And it turns out that yes, this is indeed a Portuguese/Iberian bagpipe, and it’s called a gaita. They are also using a caivaquinho (basically a Portuguese ukulele), a Portuguese guitar and an adufe (that’s the square drum). All those ethnic instruments together give a really rather nice song musically, which then predictably is let down by the singing. It’s not bad (not off-key, for starters), but it’s just nothing special. It’s testament to the (lack of) quality of the rest of the night that this ended fifth for me.

15. Romania – Eu Cred – Mălina Olinescu – Contest ranking: 22nd – My ranking: 22nd

Oh my fucking god not yet another slightly off-key fucking ballad, please! (DAF count: 8)

16. United Kingdom – Where Are You? – Imaani – Contest ranking: 2nd – My ranking: 3rd

Hurray, it’s not a ballad! Unfortunately Imaani sounds a little bit whiny, and the song is a little bland soul-poppy, but it’s got some decent violins in the background, plus it doesn’t have an awful bridge section like Israel had. Still, Israel edges it out by a hair due to being catchier in the chorus.

17. Cyprus – Genesis – Michael Hajiyanni – Contest ranking: 11th – My ranking: 9th

I suppose this is a power ballad rather than a regular ballad? There’s a nice flute in there occasionally, but otherwise it can go straight onto the DAF pile. (DAF count: 9)

18. Netherlands – Hemel en Aarde – Edsilia – Contest ranking: 4th – My ranking: 1st

Let me reiterate: I don’t actually like this song. It’s too much like soul for me. That said, Edsilia is not off-key (yay!) and there’s some nice soaring violins in there, plus here too there’s no awful bridge section to fuck things up, so that plus the good voice means it beats Israel. Just.

19. Sweden – Kärleken Är – Jill Johnson – Contest ranking: 10th – My ranking: 13th

Et tu, Sweden? Even you give us a fucking ballad this year? Do you have any idea how fucking difficult it is to rank all these fuckers? I mean, dull is dull and I’m a total masochist to force myself into ranking various shades of dull, but can’t you make it just a little bit easier? (DAF count: 10)

20. Belgium – Dis Oui – Mélanie Cohl – Contest ranking: 6th – My ranking: 8th

Second francophone of the night, and her voice is actually better than France, shock horror! It’s also not a ballad, more shock horror! Unfortunately it’s still bland and dull, bleh.

21. Finland – Aava – Edea – Contest ranking: 15th – My ranking: 11th

This is a case of interesting instruments put to the most boring use you could possibly think of. Somehow they manage to sound a little Israeli or Turkish, and I know they were probably aiming for mysterious, but they’ve detoured straight into dull. Plus points for that stringed instrument (is it a dulcimer?) and the wob-wob bottle, but that’s it. (Is this a ballad? Ah, fuck it, DAF count: 11)

22. Norway – Alltid Sommer – Lars A. Fredriksen – Contest ranking: 8th – My ranking: 4th

I initially had this first, but then I realised that I was voting for his pretty eyes, not his song. He’s wearing a ratty sweater and he’s too blonde for me to really fancy him, but I’m prepared to like him for not singing a ballad. You know it’s a bad contest when you cheer simply because you don’t have to slog through another three DAF minutes. Overall it’s a pretty bog-standard funk-ish pop song with added trumpets, but it’s palatable.

23. Estonia – Mere Lapsed – Koit Toome – Contest ranking: 12th – My ranking: 10th

A piano ballad – I guess we haven’t had one of those yet tonight. It’s very ballady. (DAF count: 12)

24. Turkey – Unutamazsın – Tüzmen – Contest ranking: 14th – My ranking: 6th

ARGH EVEN TURKEY IS A BALLAD ARGH! It’s all violins and piano-plinking and dramatic Turkish vibrato, and I actually vaguely like it better than all the other ballads tonight, but I feel so betrayed… (DAF count: 13)

25. FYR Macedonia – Ne Zori, Zoro – Vlado Janevski – Contest ranking: 19th – My ranking: 12th

Aaannd we’re back to being off-key. I suppose this isn’t quite a ballad, but it’s just as dull as pretty much everything else tonight.

Thirteen out of twenty-five songs were dull fucking ballads! Thank fuck that’s over with… And the interval act didn’t even cheer me up that much, because they just tried to cram too much into five minutes. They should have just had five minutes of bhangra dancing, I’d have been very happy with that.

My list of ‘winners’:

• Luxembourg – 4 (1956, 1965, 1972, 1973)
• Belgium – 1 (1957)
• Italy – 2 (1958, 1964)
• United Kingdom – 4 (1959, 1961, 1967, 1981)
• Monaco – 1 (1960)
• Netherlands – 5 (1962, 1969, 1971, 1975, 1998)
• Denmark – 1 (1963)
• Norway – 4 (1966, 1985, 1993, 1995)
• Spain – 2 (1968, 1990)
• France – 5 (1970, 1976, 1977, 1991, 1992)
• Sweden – 1 (1974)
• Israel – 3 (1978, 1987, 1988)
• Germany – 2 (1979, 1982)
• Ireland – 3 (1980, 1994, 1996)
• Yugoslavia – 1 (1983)
• Turkey – 2 (1984, 1997)
• Cyprus – 1 (1986)
• Finland – 1 (1989)

Actual winners that I agree with: 19 out of 43.