Eurovision 2001 – The year with all the half-native language, half-English songs

Back in København, Denmark for the second time, though most people there probably weren’t even around when Dansevise won in 1963. The Danes picked what is still the largest ever Eurovision arena, and it is far, far too big. The stage really isn’t that small, but it looks tiny whenever the camera pulls up into the rafters (just to show everyone quite how large the venue really is). I’m also sorry to say that the Danes are pretty shit hosts. Whoever thought it’d be a fun idea to have the two hosts do their entire spiel in rhyme should be forced to listen to Vogon poetry for three days. The rhymes themselves are often cringeworthily bad, and all it does is expose just how scripted the whole evening is. A good Eurovision host delivers the script so naturally that it feels like they’re just improvising the whole thing. Cookiefonster went with the theme and made a poem of his own, which is better than anything the Danes came up with.

Aside from the shitty rhymes the postcards are also pretty shit – they do not feature the artists or even the flag of the country, just show random Danish shit that (I think) has something to do with the next country, but which is often too obscure to know what it is unless you’re very familiar with the country. At least the Swedes last year helped you out with a little line like ‘scientists from the Netherlands’. The only good one was the very last one, which showed all the people from all the other postcards together. Then there was the opening act, which was just the Olsen Brothers rehashing their winning song and their new single, and the interval act which was an Aqua medley – meh. Basically just songs in an evening which is already drenched in songs.

Because we’re still stuck with the bloody relegation system (only two more years!), there’s the usual musical country-chairs going on – no Austra, Belgium, Cyprus, Finland, FYR Macedonia, Romania or Switzerland this year, but returners are Bosnia & Herzegovina, Greece, Lithuania, Poland, Portugal and Slovenia, for a total of 23 participants. There were no nul pointers this year, but the bottom two both had only three points, so there’s a joint 22nd place.

Eurovision 2000 – The year that seemed half off-key

We’re now reaching the Eurovision era where being able to sing was optional. I suppose it’s a reflection of the, um, let’s call them ‘more relaxed’ sensibilities of a televoting audience as opposed to professional juries. Over the years there have of course been many discussions around the merits of jury vs televoting, but personally I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about the whole thing. Televote only was a bit of a dark age in Eurovision (I know I have a few tough years coming up), but the fan feelings of the past two years about the winner vs the runner-up and the ridiculous dominance of only a few songs with the juries does make me feel that something needs to change.

Anyway, that’s all nothing to do with this year, really. Most countries used televotes and juries were there only as a backup. Unfortunately this proved necessary for the Netherlands, who stopped their broadcast of Eurovision partway through due to the developing seriousness of the Enschede fireworks disaster, which ended up claiming 23 lives in total. I looked at some footage again yesterday, and I’d forgotten how terrifying it looked. I was very grateful that I have no relatives in Enschede.

The contest was hosted in Stockholm, Sweden, and I must say that the Swedes do always provide a very professional experience. Male host Anders Lundin reminds me very much of Jason Bateman, and seemed to fulfil the role that Jason did in Dodgeball, of the slightly clueless, slightly goofy sidekick to the main anchor (Kattis Ahlström). Jokes can always be a bit hit and miss in Eurovison, but these mostly worked well. The postcards again did not feature the artists, but instead featured something from the participating country while showcasing Sweden (well, mostly Stockholm). Since we’re still stuck with the relegation system there’s the usual country swap, but this is the first year of the Big Four, meaning that from now on France, Spain, Germany and the UK would always automatically qualify, as the biggest financial contributors to the EBU. Relegated countries were Bosnia & Herzegovina, Lithuania, Poland, Portugal and Slovenia. Returners were Finland, FYR Macedonia, Romania and Switzerland, and there was a brand new debut from Latvia, giving a total of 24 countries. There were no nil pointers this year, but I do find the entire top 5 rather baffling…

Eurovision 1999 – The last contest of the millennium

Again there could be several alternative titles – the first year without the orchestra, the first year (again) without the language rule, but the first one would be too similar to the 1998 title and with the second one I can’t just say ‘the first year without the language rule’ since they’d abandoned it before. Anyway, we’re in Jerusalem, and for the first time we have three presenters. There were 23 competing countries, with the usual mass swap-out due to the relegation system: no Finland, Greece, Hungary, FYR Macedonia, Romania, Slovakia or Switzerland, but returns from Austria, Bosnia & Herzegovina, Denmark, Iceland and Latvia.

The hosting was, on the whole, pretty professional, but omg the postcards absolutely sucked. It’s bad enough to have random biblical shit shoved down your throat (wtf does the bible (or the torah) have to do with Eurovision?), but the pseudo-funny take on them often actively made me angry. Picturing David and Bathsheba as a ‘haha, he’s a peeping Tom’ story and totally ignoring the fact that David deliberately got her husband killed? Picturing the pursuing Egyptians in the red sea as having inflatables to save them? Also, the ‘funny’ ‘skits’ that they segued into were just genuinely not funny.

There were no nil pointers this year, but some got very close. I should also give a massive disclaimer here (when do I not?) and say that pretty much every rank between um, third and about twenty-first? are pretty much interchangeable. There were a few songs that I liked and a few songs that I actively disliked, but the bulk of the middle was a mixture of ‘ouch this is a little off-key’ and ‘this isn’t too bad to listen to but I’ll forget it as soon as it stops’. The theme of the year appeared to be black and/or silver outfits.