Bible Project – Unintended Aftermath Part Three

Oh dear God I’ve had enough of religion. I just want to get this over with and write the post on polyamory that I’ve been mulling about for a while now. If this post feels rushed, it’s because I’m fed up with talking about other people’s imaginary friend in the sky.

Meh, and the cat’s just decided that I clearly cannot type without her on my lap. Never mind that she’s got the same ability to sit still as a small child after seven double espressos. No, cat, I can’t type while you’re trying to rub your head against my hand!

Right, where the hell was I with this clusterfuck? Oh yes, the end of days. ‘Nuff said about that really. Moving on to angels, who used to appear to people, but who no longer appear visibly. I will not dispute that latter fact, but there is no explanation for this. Given how happy they are to explain every fucking other thing (using a lot of words like ‘evidently’, ‘apparently’ and ‘naturally’), I’m surprised they can’t come up with a reason for angels being crowd-shy these days.

So, what we have to fear these days is… spiritism. The world is full of disobedient angels, outcast from heaven, and to mislead people, the demons use spiritism. And what constitutes spiritism? Well, it includes divination. So things such as astrology, tarot cards, crystal gazing, palmistry and seeking signs in dreams are not just delusional practices, no, they’re dangerous! Step away from the crystal ball, there might be a demon inside! So I guess I shouldn’t be trying to read the future from the innards of a chicken, presumably.

(Wait, so does that mean that Joseph was being tempted by demons when he explained pharaoh’s dreams? Or is it not spiritism when the dream is prophetic? How do I tell the difference? Will I only have prophetic dreams if I am an important leader? What does it mean when David Cameron dreams of pig heads?)

So how do I combat this? By studying the Bible every day, because then my faith will grow strong. Never mind that nothing can grow from nothing – I should have had some faith to begin with. Since I hadn’t, sweet fuck all has grown. Anyway, if anyone tries to dissuade me from studying the Bible, that may be Satan’s influence at work! But fear not, it does not mean that my dissuading friends are directly controlled by Satan.* Funnily enough, during my entire Bible project no one has actually tried to tell me not to do it – the main reaction has been a sort of baffled ‘but why would you do that?’**

*Unless they have glowing red eyes. Probably.

**Answer: because I clearly had a masochistic streak I wasn’t aware of.

Moving on to the random statement that before the Noachian flood, people were vegetarian. Really? So why was Abel a shepherd then? Just for the wool? And the animals he sacrificed were really only for God? Where do you even get that from, bearing in mind that the flood happens in something like Genesis 6 or something?

Did I mention that this entire booklet is condescending as fuck? It talks to you like you’re a child, and it really gets my hackles up. The worst offending chapter is chapter 14, How to Make your Family Life Happy’. Husbands should love their wives like they love their own body, and show consideration for them like Jesus showed for his disciples. Wives should accept that a family needs a head, and that head is the man. She may tactfully express an opinion that differs from his (oh, the magnanimity!), because who knows, she may be right! (Gasp!) However, if her husband makes a decision which does not conflict with God’s law, she ought to support it. And only sexual immorality by one of the marriage mates provides Scriptural grounds for divorce.

Marriage mates?? I… No.

Warn your children of the devil (surely there’s no better way to scare them and scar them for life?), and understand that peer pressure is another tool of the devil. It’s nothing to do with the fact that children are vicious little shitfaces who have no concept of how badly bullying affects another child, not even if they’ve been a victim themselves. I speak from experience here.

Let’s see, because Satan rules the earth, support of any government of any kind would be support of Satan, so JWs don’t vote. You can’t celebrate birthdays, because no one in the Bible did, so God doesn’t want you to. The same counts for Christmas, Easter, New Year, Thanksgiving, Independence Day, Whitsun, Halloween, Beltane and whatever other fucking holiday you can think of. If a colleague tries to be nice to you by giving you a Christmas gift, you must politely explain that you don’t celebrate Christmas. Jesus, what a bunch of cheerless bastards… Except they’re all happy, because the everlasting Kingdom is nearly upon us, and they’re just happily studying their Bibles and obeying their husbands.

And no, you can’t secretly celebrate birthdays after all, because origin matters! All these unbiblical celebrations are like a piece of candy picked up from the gutter – they are unclean and contaminated! Which is the worst metaphor since the one they came up with about the Bible being written by people like a secretary writes down what her boss dictates to her.

Christ’s birth ‘evidently’ took place in October. No conclusive evidence is provided, other than that it couldn’t possibly have been winter, if the shepherds were outside at night with their flock.

There’s a whole chapter on prayer and how you should do it. Also why you should, which is because it will strengthen your relationship with Jehovah. Because good friends are interested in each other, and their friendship becomes stronger as they freely express their thoughts, concerns and feelings. Except when I do that with my friends, I generally expect a response. If I ask God ‘hey, how was your day today?’ I’m not going to get a response like ‘Oh, you wouldn’t believe who I had to smite today!’ Like I might with my friends at work. No, I get sweet fuck all, because all my conversations with ‘God’ will be entirely one-sided. But they give vague references to JWs who prayed to God for understanding or help, and lo and behold, another JW arrived to help them! Which is probably just as likely as that horoscope for Capricorn telling me that I’m going to have a really shitty day today, which is too generic to be of any use.

Oh, and if the response to your prayer isn’t forthcoming, that’s because God does everything in his own time, and he knows better than you what you need and when you need it. Which is the biggest cop-out in the history of cop-outs. Patronising shitfaces.

Hurray, we’re at chapter 18, and by now I should have apparently developed a personal relationship with God. Newsflash! I have a closer relationship with the fictitious protagonists of my three books than I have with God. And oh, this line is priceless: When you first learned what the Bible really teaches, did you find that your heart began to burn with joy, zeal and love for God? No doubt you did.

No doubt, indeed. Hey, another newsflash! Just because you write things down doesn’t make them true. This also counts for the Bible.

I’m nearing the end… Just a few more lines. The great day of Jehovah is near and approaching very quickly. Never mind that that was written in the Bible nearly 2000 years ago – God does things in his own time, remember?

Associating with other JWs will make you grow spiritually. But isn’t spiritism wrong?

Then there’s also some throwaway line somewhere that states that when Judgement Day comes, we’ll be judged on a clean slate. Um, so why the fuck does it matter what I do now then?

Oh, I give up. Live in peace, JWs, just don’t expect me to buy your batshit crazy bullshit.

Next week, polyamory! And no, that isn’t in an attempt to get as far away from religion as possible.


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