Bible Project Part 13 – Song of Songs 5 to Isaiah 34

Unusually, compared to recently, this week’s reading only covered two bible books. I finished off the tail end of the Song of Songs (which was much shorter than I thought it was) and made good headway into the revelations-like book of Isaiah.

Let’s start with my usual name-explanation, which I missed off for the Song of Songs last week. In Dutch this book is called ‘Hooglied’, which means High Song, in a similar kind of meaning as Song of Songs – it’s the best song there is. Allegedly.

Isaiah in Dutch is spelled Jesaja, which looks pretty different, but in pronunciation they’re pretty similar. Isaiah (son of Amoz) is the major prophet who wrote the book. Again, allegedly.

Anyway, let’s finish off the Song of Songs, which I apparently got halfway through last week, because it only has 8 chapters in total. And if last week I found the metaphors a little disturbing, things got even more creepy this week when the male speaker keeps addressing his beloved as either ‘my sister, bride’ or ‘my sister, my love’. Never mind that Abraham married his half-sister, the Law of God clearly forbade that kind of thing later on.

I also discovered that the male ‘beloved’ in the Song of Songs appears to be a cross between Snow White and Edward from Twilight, because ‘my love is pale and red with raven hair’ (SoS 5) and ‘his body is an ivory work of art’ and ‘his legs are white marble pillars’. Finally we know where Stephenie Meyer got her inspiration from.

My last notes from the Song of Songs state that I would not be very flattered if my nose was compared with ‘a tower of Lebanon, looking out over Damascus’, nor if my breasts were compared with bunches of dates. The first implies that my nose is big, the second that my breasts are lumpy.

Onward to Isaiah, which I have so far found a reasonably interesting Bible book. There’s a lot of Jehovah’s Witness stuff in here, about lions eating straw with lambs and the like, and Isaiah is also the first person to predict the coming of the Messiah. Most of what I’ve got here are random notes again, so let’s go through them.

Isaiah 3 appears to imply that women aren’t allowed to pretty themselves up. God will take away all their decorations, earrings, scarves, veils, girdles, cloaks, wraps, bags, hand-mirrors, underwear, headdress and outer-wear. Wait, what? Underwear? All because they’ve abandoned the Lord.

(The running theme throughout Isaiah is the prediction of endless doom and gloom for Israel (and pretty much everyone else in the world) as punishment for forsaking God, while at the same time predicting the coming of a Saviour.)

Isaiah 6 describes seraphs, clearly stating that they have six wings – two to cover their eyes, two to cover their feet and two to fly with. So that’s where that comes from.

Isaiah 8 first mentions the Messiah.

Isaiah 10 – So God will use Assur (the country/people) to punish Israel, but then he will punish Assur for actually doing so.

Isaiah 11 has the lions and lambs thing. Or, to be precise, ‘the wolf shall dwell with the sheep, the panther shall lie down beside the billy goat, the young lion and the cattle shall be together and a small boy shall herd them.’ It also implies that all these carnivores will eat grass and other non-animal-based stuff, so God will also quickly rebuild their digestive system, obviously.

(I still seethe at the story of the stupid vegan couple who nearly killed their kitten because they were trying to feed it a vegan diet. Cats are carnivores, fucktards, they need meat.)

Isaiah 13-23 is the doom and gloom, pseudo-revelations thing. It seems that God will destroy the entire world, giving individual descriptions for each country. You know, because he never promised he’d never do that again. Oh, wait, he did…

Isaiah 20 is a prophecy on the fate of Egypt. And the Lord spake to Isaiah ‘go and loosen the clothes from thy loins and pull thy shoes from thy feet.’ And he did so, and walked the land for three years, unclothed and bare-footed. And that was the sign from God to the Egyptians – see what my servant Isaiah did? That’s what will happen to your people! Yes, he had to do that for three years, just in case you didn’t see it during the first seven hundred days.

Isaiah 21 contains a prophecy about Edom, which makes no sense whatsoever: ‘They call to me from Seir: Watcher, what is there of the night? Watcher, what is there of the night? The watcher says: Morning comes, but also the night; if you would ask, ask, then come back.’ What the hell is that supposed to mean other than that Isaiah was tripping on magic mushrooms when he wrote this?

Isaiah 23 – Tyrus (which is another country, I think) will whore itself out to the kingdoms of the earth, and their profit and whore’s wages shall be holy unto the Lord.

The last note I have for this week’s reading is from Isaiah 28, in which the Lord apparently gives out agricultural advice on how to sow and harvest dill, cumin, wheat, barley and spelt.

Isaiah is fucking huge, so let’s see if I make it all the way through and into Jeremiah before next week. Possibly not.

<– Back to Part Twelve                                                                               On to Part Fourteen –>

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