Enough of the vampires already!

So, technically I should have done this post yesterday, since I no longer have competitions and readalongs to keep me busy on Mondays, but I got distracted. Back to the usual schedule next week, hopefully.

Today I’m on part nine of my 26 Week Book Challenge, not counting my two interludes of contraryness. In the process I may have potentially pissed off part of my audience by slagging off Fifty Shades of Grey, but just in case I haven’t I’m going to try again by giving you a book I hated.

This one is almost too easy. I could have picked Fifty Shades again of course, but while that trilogy exasperated me on many, many levels, it was too pathetic for me to truly hate it, and I did manage to actually make it through all three books. That’s a lot more than I can say about Twilight.

To be fair, I went into this book with many, many preconceptions, most of them along the lines of ‘oh my God I’m going to hate this so much’, but I was willing to be proven wrong. I was willing to let the book convince me that Bella Swan has at least some merit as a heroine. I was willing to see whether Edward had some redeeming qualities.

Well guess what? They don’t. Bella is the most incessantly whiny, pathetic, annoying wet hen I’ve ever had the misfortune to come across. Right from the start of the book it’s nothing but ‘I hate it here, I hate the rain, I hate all these people who want to talk to me and make me welcome, I hate how that pretty boy over there seems to hate me, wah wah wah’. I think I wanted her to drown in that incessant rain within about three pages. This was only made worse by the fact that the only thing on her mind from the moment she saw him was Edward. I mean, Jesus H fucking Christ on a bicycle, how many more times do we need to know how perfect his fucking face is? Also, I’m all for the eyecandy, but if he’s an arsehole underneath I ain’t going to go moist for him, so her attraction to him is not just shallow, it’s annihilating my suspension of disbelief.

And then there is Edward. Supposedly perfect Edward, who is a controlling, domineering and outright creepy twat. Don’t do this Bella. Go away Bella, I’m dangerous. But I do really like you. But go away. Except when I’m watching you as you sleep. Yes, I know I’m a ninety-year-old vampire, but I’ve never in my life (death?) met such an amazingly… uh… something… it’ll come to me… seventeen-year-old girl as you.

Because that’s the thing: while we’re inside Bella’s head and can ‘understand’ (and I use the term very loosely here) why she’s so hot for Edward, we have no idea why he’s got the hots for her as well. But then lo and behold, she asks him, and it is finally revealed! Has he seen some hidden depth in her character? And I mean, really deeply hidden? Has she secretly given him tasty babies to suck dry to sate his appetite? No, she… smells really tasty.

That’s. Fucking, It.

So Bella fawns over Edward because he’s pretty, and Edward fawns over Bella because she smells like a prime steak after a seven day fast. Way to go Meyer, fantastic basis for a long lasting relationship.

I should have given up at that point, but I wanted to see the much vaunted sparkling. To get to that point I had to sit through a lot of agonising by Bella because she wanted to snog Edward (who apparently also smells really tasty of strawberries of something), even though he’s as cold as a block of ice and about as cuddly as a marble statue. I also had to sit through a ridiculous amount of hammering home how klutzy Bella really is. I think she managed to hit herself in the head with her badminton racket at some point? Well, no offense, but I’ve never seen anyone in my life who actually is that clumsy. If they were, they would have killed themselves long before age seventeen. If only Bella had done that, then we’d have been spared this drivel.

(Tip to Stephenie Meyer (apart from learning how to spell Stephanie properly): if you want to see how to write a likeable, believable clumsy character, read Vision in White by Nora Roberts.)

Anyway, I muddled through and got to the sparkle. Yay. And I continued to muddle through until I got to the vampire baseball game. And that was the straw that broke the camel’s back – that stretched the levels of this book’s stupidity beyond what I could endure, and I gave it back to the friend I had borrowed it from.

So there you have it, my attempt at reading Twilight. Try as I might, I really cannot understand why anyone would find anything interesting in that book, and I hate it with the passion of a thousand fiery suns.

The post could stop here, but the problem with this stupid book is that it has unleashed a depressing trend of cheap knock-off novels starring vampires and werewolves who try to be good and vegetarian and thus basically become boring as shite. Every time someone claims to have a novel which gives an ‘interesting twist on the classic vampire’ I just want to vomit. Every fucking urban fantasy novel these days seems to feature vampires and/or werewolves (or angels – what’s the deal with that?) and the moment I see the v-word my mind just goes ‘thank you, next!’ So curse you, Twilight, for destroying what used to be a stylish yet terrifying monster of the dark. In the meantime I’ll go back to reading Carpe Jugulum.

Let’s see how many people now unfollow me. I like to think I have followers with taste, but you never know…

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6 thoughts on “Enough of the vampires already!

  1. Lauren

    Ah, somehow I never get tired of snarky posts about how completely and utterly shit Twilight is. I could rant all day about how unbelievably awful it is. Why do women go gaga over a man who *drags a 17 year old girl to his car* when she refuses to let him take her home?

    Also, one of the most mind-numbingly stupid bits is a chapter describing how Bella uses the internet (enthralling), does a search on the term “vampire” (yes, just one word) and goes through about 500 useless results. Her clumsiness clearly comes from neurological damage that also makes her extremely fucking stupid.

    Reply
  2. tktrian

    Can you believe I had to read it for a university course? Well, I didn’t finish it. I went to see the first film to find out how it ended and pretended I had read it, but the movie was quite possibly even worse. Our professor read all the books, and she didn’t seem to hate them, just thought they were weird.
    Weird.
    -K

    Reply

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